The Grieving Process: from Kent Allen at the LDS W/W Conference

I had the privilege of attending an LDS widows conference this month.  It was the most amazing event I have ever attended.  I had heard a lot of hype before it and some even claimed that it was better than General Conference.

I highly doubt that, I thought.

But I was wrong!  It was BETTER than General Conference and I REALLY love General Conference.

Anyways, I felt prompted to share some of my notes.

So, here are my notes from Kent Allen's workshop, "The Grieving Process."

Definition of Hope: hope is looking forward with anticipation to something you think you will have.

Definition of Loss: loss is when we lose hopes and dreams that are core to our existence.

Definition of Grieving: the process we go through that helps us let go of old hopes and dreams that we can no longer have and helps us establish NEW HOPES AND DREAMS that are more attainable.  It is an unlearned process and is a FEELING PROCESS not a thinking process.

-no logic to it.

-nothing prepares you for the loss of a spouse

-TO HEAL YOU HAVE TO FEEL.

When you experience trauma, you either resolve it (99% of people won't) or it turns to shock/stress.  Too much stress causes the brain to go numb.  (The front lobe goes numb, the rest is speckled with memories. If your brain didn't do this, the trauma would kill you.)
Then there are triggers which are emotional memories...memories jogged by your senses: touch, sight, sound, taste, smell.  Triggers will come at any point in the day or night.  This causes pain/anxiety causing you to fight (get angry), take flight (run away), or freeze (zone out).  If you have a high level of anxiety, it means you have a higher level of adrenaline in your system.  Relax, calm your breathing, clear your mind of stress and painful memories.  Think about peaceful experiences.  When you're in pain or anxious you tend to misread life cues which creates more stress and thus the cycle repeats itself.

*Ask and allow God to help you feel peace and hope, He will comfort you.

*The moment your spouse died, you lost your agency.

*48-72 hours (3-4 days) after, you're not thinking any new thoughts, just the same ones over and over.

6 Steps to Gaining your Agency Back

1. Recognize (tune into your body, recognize your feelings: lonely, abandoned, sad...)
2. Choose how long you want to feel that way:
    a. allow yourself to feel: angry, lonely, bad
    b. choose the amount of time you want to feel bad
    c. the time you choose needs to be in real time (minutes, hours, weeks...)
3. Cut the time in half (Life is composed of positive and negative moments.  The negative are 11 times more powerful.)
4. Set a timer.** (SUPER IMPORTANT!!)
      Allow yourself to feel negative until the timer goes off.
5. Think a totally different positive thought (things that you love, make you happy)

   -Kent told about a little boy who would think about hamburgers as his positive thought, whatever works for you!!
6. As soon as you can, DO something different.

*it only takes 2 1/2 weeks to drain the [I can't remember which one he said] dam.
*It takes two months to fill it.
*write down a list of "fillers," things that make you feel good.

*you need to write down the list so when you do have five minutes, you will know what to do!  Put your lists on your phone!


All these ideas/notes are not my own, they are from Kent Allen, LMFT!!