Friday

From my family blog, September 4, 2013:

I feel crushed.  Devastated.  Deflated.

On Sunday, about 10 after 10, my husband went home.  I knew...and he knew...that he would be healed.  But we both felt it would get harder before it got easier.  As I prayed two months ago, while pleading with the Lord, asking Him to heal my husband, I heard the answer, "Friday."

I was excited and knew that come Friday, my husband would be whole again.

Friday after Friday passed.

And he never got better.  He didn't get worse, but his blood counts did.

Then Friday, August 23rd came, and Bucky was rushed to the hospital.  He received a blood transfusion and by Saturday, he seemed like himself again.  But as I knelt in prayer, I felt that it was time.

And then it dawned on me what Friday meant.

"I think of how dark that Friday was when Christ was lifted up on the cross.

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On that terrible Friday the earth shook and grew dark. Frightful storms lashed at the earth.

Those evil men who sought His life rejoiced. Now that Jesus was no more, surely those who followed Him would disperse. On that day they stood triumphant.

On that day the veil of the temple was rent in twain.

Mary Magdalene and Mary, the mother of Jesus, were both overcome with grief and despair. The superb man they had loved and honored hung lifeless upon the cross.

On that Friday the Apostles were devastated. Jesus, their Savior—the man who had walked on water and raised the dead—was Himself at the mercy of wicked men. They watched helplessly as He was overcome by His enemies.

On that Friday the Savior of mankind was humiliated and bruised, abused and reviled.

It was a Friday filled with devastating, consuming sorrow that gnawed at the souls of those who loved and honored the Son of God.

I think that of all the days since the beginning of this world’s history, that Friday was the darkest.

But the doom of that day did not endure.

The despair did not linger because on Sunday, the resurrected Lord burst the bonds of death. He ascended from the grave and appeared gloriously triumphant as the Savior of all mankind.

And in an instant the eyes that had been filled with ever-flowing tears dried. The lips that had whispered prayers of distress and grief now filled the air with wondrous praise, for Jesus the Christ, the Son of the living God, stood before them as the firstfruits of the Resurrection, the proof that death is merely the beginning of a new and wondrous existence.

Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.

But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come.

No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come." -Joseph B. Wirthlin, Sunday Will Come

Downhill...

I was beginning to wallow...Bucky needed a lot of help during the night. Without his sight, he seems to have begun to lose his balance as well.

His mind is not as sharp and bright as it once was. It is hard to look at him and remember how he once was...full of life, laughter, and energy. All of that seems lost from him.  It is hard to hold a conversation with him...he can't remember what was said ten seconds earlier...

As I was becoming frustrated, I went to pick up Jelly Bean from preschool. While waiting I saw my ensign magazine next to me. There was an article about hope, which led me to another article by Elder Ballard:

The Lord is in control. He knows the end from the beginning. He has given us adequate instruction that, if followed, will see us safely through any crisis. His purposes will be fulfilled, and someday we will understand the eternal reasons for all of these events. Therefore, today we must be careful to not overreact, nor should we be caught up in extreme preparations; but what we must do is keep the commandments of God and never lose hope!

...Please turn to Him if you are discouraged and struggling for direction in your life. Armed with the shield of faith, we can overcome many of our daily challenges and overpower our greatest weaknesses and fears, knowing that if we do our best to keep the commandments of God, come what may, we will be all right. 

Of course that does not necessarily mean that we will be spared personal suffering and heartache. Righteousness has never precluded adversity. But faith in the Lord Jesus Christ—real faith, whole-souled and unshakable—is a power to be reckoned with in the universe. It can be a causative force through which miracles are wrought. Or it can be a source of inner strength through which we find peace, comfort, and the courage to cope...

Regardless of how desperate things may seem or how desperate they may yet become, please believe me, you can always have hope. Always."

(1992 October General Conference, The Joy of Hope Fulfilled, Sat. Afternoon Session - M. Russell Ballard)

So...hope on...journey on. All is not well today...but one day it will be.

Bucky Update: 8/24/13

Dear Family,

Most of you probably know, but Bucky went to the hospital last night. He came back home this morning, but while he was there, he had a blood transfusion. We knew he needed one, as he was becoming very weak and he was suffering from hypoxia (a lack of oxygen due to a lack a red blood cells to carry the oxygen to the body). When someone is drunk, they have hypoxia...so it would have been funny had we not been so close to losing him. (We are laughing a little bit today about the things he said...okay, not really, maybe one day we will.)  He came home with his mother this morning at six. We are so grateful for his mom and dad staying at the hospital with him and my mom for helping me get home to take care of the baby and staying with me last night.

He seems to be doing much better today.  I actually understand the conversations that I have been having with him.  He came home with a big tank of oxygen, I think that will help him.

We are deciding what we should do, he will probably need more transfusions.

We have faith and believe in miracles.  But we also know that the greatest miracle of all was the resurrection of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, who enabled us all to be resurrected and find rest with the Father.  He has a plan for Bucky.  He always has had a plan.  And He will carry us through this storm.

Love you all.  Your prayers are carrying us through this.  Thank you.

TJ and Bucky

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Bucky Update: 8/23/13

Hello family,

The world is dimming on Bucky.  He has begun to lose his eyesight.  He can see enough to get to the bathroom, but will trip on the kids' toys if they are out.  If you are texting him or calling him, don't be alarmed when I answer the phone and hand it to him.  He fell this morning trying to get to the phone.  But when he called for help, he had a house full of children to his rescue.

He pretty much lies in bed all day, he is very tired.  He has stopped coming to the table for meals...I'm not sure if he could make it down the stairs safely.  Other than that, he feels fine.  And we are so grateful for your prayers. "If miracles cease it is because faith has ceased."

Love you all,

TJ and Bucky

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Bucky Update: 8/20/13

I hesitate to put this on the blog...but I keep hearing how people want to know how Bucky is doing, so I wrote an email to the family, but then I heard everyone is now worried. 

We know everything will be okay in the end, but I believe this week is one of those "mountains to climb." I hope next week is easier. 

President Faust said:

"Into every life there come the painful, despairing days of adversity and buffeting. There seems to be a full measure of anguish, sorrow, and often heartbreak for everyone, including those who earnestly seek to do right and be faithful. The thorns that prick, that stick in the flesh, that hurt, often change lives which seem robbed of significance and hope. This change comes about through a refining process which often seems cruel and hard. In this way the soul can become like soft clay in the hands of the Master in building lives of faith,usefulness, beauty, and strength. For some, the refiner’s fire causes a loss of belief and faith in God, but those with eternal perspective understand that such refining is part of the perfection process."

It might be necessary to go through the "refiner's fire" but, gosh, it really hurts. I hope this flame eases up this week because I might not become soft and moldable, but instead just a crispy critter. 

Hello family,

It's been awhile since I've updated you on Bucky.  He doesn't want me to update you because he doesn't want you to worry... (but I think that if your worrying causes you to pray for him then that's fine...)

We have pretty much depleted our options as of right now.  The oncologists at the hospital have no hope for him.  All they can do is give him chemo to prolong his life at the expense of his quality of life.  The leukemia has started to mutate so as to not be as affected by the chemo.

He can't do New York because he can't get his immune system up enough for them to be able to harvest T-cells.  Plus, they have never had success on a post-transplant patient.

Right now he's been feeling okay.  He sleeps a lot and doesn't do much more than have the baby sit next to him.  The stairs exhaust him.

He's been given a wonderful blessing from his father, so we know everything will be okay.

Love you all, thanks for your prayers,

TJ (and Bucky)

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Bucky Update: 4/10/13

Hello family,

I know many of you have been wondering what step we will take next.  Bucky is still deciding which treatment to pursue.  He has been talking with a doctor at UCLA and another one in Mesa, who have a different treatment protocol.

On Thursday, his WBC was at 10.6 and from the biopsy he had 37% blasts.

On Monday, his WBC count was at 4.1 and he had less than 1% blasts.

Doctors had switched one of his drugs, but that would not account for such a drastic reduction in counts.  Never before in my life have I been more sure that God does hear and answer our prayers.

I think Ammon says it best:

Behold, who can glory too much in the Lord? Yea, who can say too much of his great power, and of his ^cmercy, and of his long-suffering towards the children of men? Behold, I say unto you, I cannot say the smallest part which I feel. (Alma 26:16)

Thanks for your prayers, we will keep you updated as things progress.

Love you all,

TJ

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Bucky Update: 4/6/13

Hello family,

I think most of you know, but the results of the biopsy were discouraging.  The leukemia is back and the only plan the doctors at the hospital have is another stem cell transplant using Bucky's other brother as the donor.  However, statistically speaking, the chances of this one working are very low.

So we have been looking around for other treatments that might possibly up the chance.  Now, more than ever, we need your prayers and faith.  Bucky is optimistic.  He knows he can beat this.  I know he can too.  With the Savior's help.

President Uchtdorf said:

"And to all who suffer—to all who feel discouraged, worried, or lonely—I say with love and deep concern for you, never give in.

Never surrender.

Never allow despair to overcome your spirit.

Embrace and rely upon the Hope of Israel, for the love of the Son of God pierces all darkness, softens all sorrow, and gladdens every heart."

And that is what we intend to do.

Love you all.  Thank you for your continued support and prayers.

TJ

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Bucky Update: 4/1/13

Just a little background on this email:

Bucky had had a stuffy nose for two months, so his doctor referred him to an ENT.  They decided that they should do an endoscopy.  So on Tuesday, last week, they went in, took a sample and drained his sinuses.  He had previously been on antibiotics, but should the infection have been fungal, they antibiotic would make it worse.  Turns out it was a bacterial infection, and they have switched his antibiotic.  After the surgery he started getting a bruise under one of his eyes, and I told him to ask the ENT about that...well, apparently, the bacteria had been in there so long that it had started eating away at the bone.  Soooo, if you have a stuffy nose for two months, go see your doctor!

Yesterday his WBC had doubled.  Doctors are unsure if this is the leukemia or a result of last weeks surgery.  So, in order to figure out what is going on, they have rescheduled his biopsy to today.



Hello family,
Bucky saw the ENT last week and had surgery to drain his sinuses. This past week he has been recovering from that.

Today he had an appointment and his white blood cell count doubled from 4000 to 8000. The pathologist is concerned so they are doing his bone marrow biopsy tomorrow instead of next week.

As always we are so grateful for your prayers. Hoping for good news tomorrow (or whenever we receive the results of the biopsy).

Love you all,
TJ

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Bucky Update: 2/27/13

Hello Family,

The past few days have been a bit crazy.  An hour into owning our new home, Bucky managed to lock us out of it.  No worries though, he called a locksmith and is on his way home (my parent's home).  We will be living with them for a bit longer, our household belongings will be moved into the house on Monday.

After 5 months of having pretty much just our clothing, we have come to appreciate the story of Lehi and his family, leaving their possessions behind and fleeing into the wilderness.  Luckily, our wilderness has included warm beds, indoor plumbing, and electricity.  We are ever grateful for the time we live in.

Chili Bean was sick last week with a cold and ear and eye infection.  And on Saturday, Cocoa Bean came down with it.  (Pink eye and a bad ear infection.)  Have you ever given someone, who doesn't drink out of a cup or bottle, liquid medicine?  It is about impossible!

At Bucky's appointment they took samples to make sure he wasn't coming down with the kids' sicknesses.  His weight has remained constant.  His blood counts were pretty good.  Red blood cells and platelets are still not in the normal range, but they're nothing to be too worried about.  Overall, I think he's feeling okay. Tired, but able to function.  The doctors didn't say much, just that he's doing good, so you probably won't hear too much from me, unless there's bad news.

Thanks for your prayers and love and support.  We are so thankful for you all.

Love,

TJ

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Bucky Update: 2/13/13

Hello Family,

Bucky's blood counts have recovered from their drop of last week.  His white blood cell count is 9.5, well into the normal range.  His platelet count has increased to 134 (up from 105).

The culture they took from his lung when he was in the hospital finally grew something, so they did a CT chest scan yesterday.  They gave him some cups to put any phlegm he coughs up so they can test it too.  Since he doesn't have any symptoms, this is just a precautionary measure to decide if they need to start him on some antibiotics.

Oh, he weighed 156 pounds!  Which means he has gained 12 lbs since leaving the hospital.  Only 17 more to go!  (I am patting myself on the back for successfully fattening him up this week.  Good job.  I would like to note that I have never successfully fattened my husband, so this is quite the accomplishment.  What's that?  You think Bucky is fattening himself up?  Fine, let him take the credit.)

Our belongings are being packed up in Alabama tomorrow!  Crazy, I have mixed feelings about this.  On the one hand, I was praying that Bucky would have a miraculous recovery and we would just go back to Alabama and keep on living like nothing had happened.  On the other hand, we get to live by family!  Do expect to get an invitation to come down for a karaoke party in the near future!

Thanks for all of the prayers.  We know that Heavenly Father hears and answers them.

Love you all,

TJ

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Bucky Update: 1/24/13

Hello family,

Bucky is home from the hospital!  And we absolutely love having him home.  Our goal now is to keep him healthy and infection free.  He will have weekly appointments at the hospital and one of the things they will do at this appointment is check his blood, and then determine how much tacrolimus (the immunosuppressant) he needs.

I think he's feeling pretty good.  He helped me make dinner last night and washed the pots and pans so he must be feeling alright, right?  And now he's playing a memory game with the kids, so it's almost like having the real Bucky back.

Thank you for all of your prayers and support.

So far, the white blood cells he has been making are good healthy ones, but we won't know for certain until he has his 100-day bone marrow biopsy.  Praying he is completely cured.

Love you all,

TJ

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Bucky Update: 1/20/13

Hello Family,

I suppose I could give you another update, although it doesn't seem like much has changed from my perspective.

Bucky has finished 12 treatments and has just 3 more to go.  I should have asked him what they actually call his treatments with the mist.

Anyway, for it, he has to put on the hospital gowns and pants (size 5XL.  I'm wondering if the person who picked that size had ever seen Bucky before.  He could literally fit three Bucky's in those pants.  Heck, our whole family would fit in those pants.  Literally.)  So he puts those on and slippers and he goes into the room next door.  He does some breathing things (I have no idea...) he does a crossword, takes a nap and after the two hours are up, he showers and goes back to his regular room.  Anything he takes into that room has to be thrown away (that's why he does a crossword).  Which come to think of it, he must be becoming more and more like my dad every day.  Which is totally cool unless one of his daughters decides to get married at 18.  I kid.  Kind of.

His blood counts are looking more and more like a regular person!  White blood cells and platelets are in the normal zone.  His red blood cells are still a little low, but they are climbing.

Rumor has it, he might be coming home tomorrow night.  That is, if he can keep it boring for the next 24 hours.  And please keep it boring for the rest of eternity.

I haven't actually seen him (well unless you count facetime) this week, (I'm pretty freaked about exposing my baby to RSV), so you might get better information on how he's doing from his parents, who have been super awesome at visiting him.  And doing his laundry.  Thanks!

He tells me he feels fine.  He did say that the doctors say he's doing well.

Thanks so much for all of your help and prayers.  They have buoyed us so much.  

Love you all,

TJ

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Bucky Update: 1/9/13

Hello Family,

Bucky's blood counts are still quite low, but are starting to recover, so it appears that the stem cells have grafted.  He's been getting blood and platelets quite frequently, but didn't need any today.

He woke up last night with his tacrolimus (the immunosuppressant) pump leaking...the nurses gown up when the administer that one...umm, that's not scary, having a biochemical leaking in his room.  Better than in his blood, right?  Haha.

Now they will be watching closely for GVHD, this would be anything from rashes on the skin to inflammation of the GI tract.  So even though Bucky and his brother were an 8 for 8 HLA match, they still could have genetically different proteins (antigens), which would cause the GVHD.

Bucky's goal is to be out of the hospital sometime next week.  Because "you have to have goals," he told me.  Well, I'm not sure what he can do to work towards this goal, but it sounds reasonable to me.  But then again, I'm not a doctor.  But he is excited to get out of the hospital and take naps with Cocoa Bean.

Everything seems to be going well so far.  God has so been so merciful to us. Thanks for your continued prayers and support.

We love you all,

TJ

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Bucky Update: 1/3/13

Family,

I visited Bucky yesterday. His hair shedding everywhere was starting to annoy him, so he just shaved it all off. Now he really looks like he belongs in the 8th floor club. (The other members were starting to shun him...no just kidding, everyone is really nice.)

His temperature has still been fluctuating, so they took a blood culture last night. They are only able to figure out where the infection is about a third of the time.

The doctor came in and was impressed that Bucky could still eat hot sauce. So I guess that's good. He didn't really say too much, so I guess Bucky is doing a pretty good job keeping it boring. Except with the fluctuating temperature...the nurses were constantly coming in to take his temperature...

He is on day 7--so about halfway to making his own stem cells, yay!

Love you all. Thanks for all that you do.

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Bucky Update: 1/1/13

Hello family,

I saw Bucky today, he seemed to be doing well for day 4 of his transplant...of course what do I know...

His platelet count was ridiculously low, so he got some yummy platelets. Haha, they actually look pretty gross like sludgy apple juice.

The doctors say he is doing well.

He is beginning to get the mouth sores from the radiation and chemo, hopefully they won't get any worse. He really can't afford to lose any more weight.

He got a dose of methotrexate today (it's an antimetabolite...and I believe the same thing he got in his spinal taps).

He still has hair, but it is thinning rapidly. It's getting a little scraggly in the back, I think he is considering cutting his own hair.

I know this is a pretty boring update, but right now, boring is good...

Love you all. Thanks for your prayers.

Tara

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