Downhill...

I was beginning to wallow...Bucky needed a lot of help during the night. Without his sight, he seems to have begun to lose his balance as well.

His mind is not as sharp and bright as it once was. It is hard to look at him and remember how he once was...full of life, laughter, and energy. All of that seems lost from him.  It is hard to hold a conversation with him...he can't remember what was said ten seconds earlier...

As I was becoming frustrated, I went to pick up Jelly Bean from preschool. While waiting I saw my ensign magazine next to me. There was an article about hope, which led me to another article by Elder Ballard:

The Lord is in control. He knows the end from the beginning. He has given us adequate instruction that, if followed, will see us safely through any crisis. His purposes will be fulfilled, and someday we will understand the eternal reasons for all of these events. Therefore, today we must be careful to not overreact, nor should we be caught up in extreme preparations; but what we must do is keep the commandments of God and never lose hope!

...Please turn to Him if you are discouraged and struggling for direction in your life. Armed with the shield of faith, we can overcome many of our daily challenges and overpower our greatest weaknesses and fears, knowing that if we do our best to keep the commandments of God, come what may, we will be all right. 

Of course that does not necessarily mean that we will be spared personal suffering and heartache. Righteousness has never precluded adversity. But faith in the Lord Jesus Christ—real faith, whole-souled and unshakable—is a power to be reckoned with in the universe. It can be a causative force through which miracles are wrought. Or it can be a source of inner strength through which we find peace, comfort, and the courage to cope...

Regardless of how desperate things may seem or how desperate they may yet become, please believe me, you can always have hope. Always."

(1992 October General Conference, The Joy of Hope Fulfilled, Sat. Afternoon Session - M. Russell Ballard)

So...hope on...journey on. All is not well today...but one day it will be.

Bucky Update: 8/24/13

Dear Family,

Most of you probably know, but Bucky went to the hospital last night. He came back home this morning, but while he was there, he had a blood transfusion. We knew he needed one, as he was becoming very weak and he was suffering from hypoxia (a lack of oxygen due to a lack a red blood cells to carry the oxygen to the body). When someone is drunk, they have hypoxia...so it would have been funny had we not been so close to losing him. (We are laughing a little bit today about the things he said...okay, not really, maybe one day we will.)  He came home with his mother this morning at six. We are so grateful for his mom and dad staying at the hospital with him and my mom for helping me get home to take care of the baby and staying with me last night.

He seems to be doing much better today.  I actually understand the conversations that I have been having with him.  He came home with a big tank of oxygen, I think that will help him.

We are deciding what we should do, he will probably need more transfusions.

We have faith and believe in miracles.  But we also know that the greatest miracle of all was the resurrection of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, who enabled us all to be resurrected and find rest with the Father.  He has a plan for Bucky.  He always has had a plan.  And He will carry us through this storm.

Love you all.  Your prayers are carrying us through this.  Thank you.

TJ and Bucky

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Bucky Update: 8/23/13

Hello family,

The world is dimming on Bucky.  He has begun to lose his eyesight.  He can see enough to get to the bathroom, but will trip on the kids' toys if they are out.  If you are texting him or calling him, don't be alarmed when I answer the phone and hand it to him.  He fell this morning trying to get to the phone.  But when he called for help, he had a house full of children to his rescue.

He pretty much lies in bed all day, he is very tired.  He has stopped coming to the table for meals...I'm not sure if he could make it down the stairs safely.  Other than that, he feels fine.  And we are so grateful for your prayers. "If miracles cease it is because faith has ceased."

Love you all,

TJ and Bucky

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Bucky Update: 8/20/13

I hesitate to put this on the blog...but I keep hearing how people want to know how Bucky is doing, so I wrote an email to the family, but then I heard everyone is now worried. 

We know everything will be okay in the end, but I believe this week is one of those "mountains to climb." I hope next week is easier. 

President Faust said:

"Into every life there come the painful, despairing days of adversity and buffeting. There seems to be a full measure of anguish, sorrow, and often heartbreak for everyone, including those who earnestly seek to do right and be faithful. The thorns that prick, that stick in the flesh, that hurt, often change lives which seem robbed of significance and hope. This change comes about through a refining process which often seems cruel and hard. In this way the soul can become like soft clay in the hands of the Master in building lives of faith,usefulness, beauty, and strength. For some, the refiner’s fire causes a loss of belief and faith in God, but those with eternal perspective understand that such refining is part of the perfection process."

It might be necessary to go through the "refiner's fire" but, gosh, it really hurts. I hope this flame eases up this week because I might not become soft and moldable, but instead just a crispy critter. 

Hello family,

It's been awhile since I've updated you on Bucky.  He doesn't want me to update you because he doesn't want you to worry... (but I think that if your worrying causes you to pray for him then that's fine...)

We have pretty much depleted our options as of right now.  The oncologists at the hospital have no hope for him.  All they can do is give him chemo to prolong his life at the expense of his quality of life.  The leukemia has started to mutate so as to not be as affected by the chemo.

He can't do New York because he can't get his immune system up enough for them to be able to harvest T-cells.  Plus, they have never had success on a post-transplant patient.

Right now he's been feeling okay.  He sleeps a lot and doesn't do much more than have the baby sit next to him.  The stairs exhaust him.

He's been given a wonderful blessing from his father, so we know everything will be okay.

Love you all, thanks for your prayers,

TJ (and Bucky)

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